Episode 71

🎼. Dum ti dum ti dum ti dum...

Christopher:  You’ll never guess what your mum has done now.

Alice:  Let me try.  Has she run off with that woman to the Graceland Chapel in Las Vegas ?  If she has I will be furious not to see them get married by Elvis.  Did you get the wine I asked you for ?

Christopher:  Have you been drinking ?  That’s not what my mum told me although it sounds like something she might make up.  The wine is in the fridge.

Alice:  OMG !  You’ve put red wine in the fridge and you are telling me that I am turning into your mother !  How could you do something so gross AND compare me to that insidious old gossip ?

Christopher :  I’m a farrier not a sommelier and my mum isn’t that bad.  She has a heart of gold really. Anyway, men often end up marrying someone who reminds them of their mother.

Alice:  What ?  This is getting worse.  So I’m basically a Horrobin despite the expensive education, sophistication, good looks, fantastic unspecified career and ...

Christopher:  And drinking ? Mum doesn’t drink much but Auntie Tracy can’t half put it away.  Come to think of it they’re just like your Mum and your Auntie Lilian.

Alice:  This is getting worse by the minute, comparing Lilian to Tracy.

Christopher:  They’ve got loads in common - they like a drink, rich men and the high life.  Lilian might have had more success in that line but remember she was born in a pub.

Alice:  (sigh)  How lucky is that.

Christopher :  How much have you had to drink today ?

Alice:  Never mind all that.  What were you going to tell me about Mum ?

Christopher:  According to my mum, Jo turned out to be vegan so didn’t like your mum’s cooking.  She’s now run off with your mum’s clothes and handbags and moved four members of the Chippendales into Home Farm.

Alice:  And you accuse me of drinking too much !

Christopher:  Well, someone saw four fit blokes up there looking like they owned the place.  So your Mum could be moving back into the shoebox with your dad.

Alice:  I suppose it makes Christmas simpler if they are together but I was hoping Jo might restock the wine cellar and we would get invited round.

Christopher:  Do you ever think of anything but drink ?

Alice:  Of course - I hope to God Jo didn’t pinch Mum’s Birkin bag.  There’s a five-year waiting list !

🎼. Dum ti dum ti dum ti dum...

(Ed.  You won’t get one of those in Underwoods.)