Episode 118
🎼. Dum ti dum ti dum ti dum...
(church door opens)
Shula: Where are you, Alan ? I know you’re in here and I’ll find you.
Alan: I am not hiding, I am just cleaning behind the pew.
Shula: Spare me the excuses. I can tell the difference between cleaning and hiding. Where’s your duster for a start ?
Alan: Actually, I was searching for any spare cash people may have dropped - you know how hard up we are.
Shula: I thought that vicars weren’t meant to tell lies. Anyway, I haven’t got time for this. We have work to do and time is short.
Alan: What work ? I’m already flat out trying to sort out the cleaning and flower rotas. It’s all gone to pot since your mother became a sex fiend and Jennifer spent a night in the cells.
Shula: For Heaven’s sake, you surely haven’t forgotten our campaign to instal you in the Bishop’s Palace and make me Vicar of Ambridge ?
Alan: Yes, I did agree but I really don’t see how it’s going to work.
Shula: Oh, it’s going to work, you mark my words ! But we have to get on with it. I heard Susan telling Tracy that the Bishop is on his way back from South America now the heat is off. Where she gets her information from is a mystery to me. She must go round the village putting a glass to every wall.
Alan: But if he is coming back, there is no point in me trying to get his job.
Shula: You are such a defeatist. This is the time to strike and remind everyone that he deserted his post. Radio Borchester is coming to interview you tomorrow and the Echo wants to do a double feature on you and Usha. Tell her to smile for the camera - she needs plenty of warning to crack her face.
Alan: I won’t tell her you said but what do I say to the journalists ?
Shula: Tell them that you will never desert your post, your wife will never get arrested and all the usual guff about peace and love. You will also remind them of your run-in with the police to establish your street cred.
Alan: Is that all ?
Shula: No, say there will be tea and refreshments at St Stephen’s next Sunday for all comers.
Alan: That’s a bit risky, we don’t know how many will turn up and what will we do about food ?
Shula: Don’t worry about that, it will be like the parable of feeding the 5,000.
Alan: Where will we get the loaves and fishes from ?
Shula: We won’t. Mum is going to supply lemon drizzle cake - you’ll be a shoo-in !
🎼. Dum ti dum ti dum ti dum...
(Ed. I feel a new series coming on - The Reluctant Bishop and the Vicar from Hell.)
(church door opens)
Shula: Where are you, Alan ? I know you’re in here and I’ll find you.
Alan: I am not hiding, I am just cleaning behind the pew.
Shula: Spare me the excuses. I can tell the difference between cleaning and hiding. Where’s your duster for a start ?
Alan: Actually, I was searching for any spare cash people may have dropped - you know how hard up we are.
Shula: I thought that vicars weren’t meant to tell lies. Anyway, I haven’t got time for this. We have work to do and time is short.
Alan: What work ? I’m already flat out trying to sort out the cleaning and flower rotas. It’s all gone to pot since your mother became a sex fiend and Jennifer spent a night in the cells.
Shula: For Heaven’s sake, you surely haven’t forgotten our campaign to instal you in the Bishop’s Palace and make me Vicar of Ambridge ?
Alan: Yes, I did agree but I really don’t see how it’s going to work.
Shula: Oh, it’s going to work, you mark my words ! But we have to get on with it. I heard Susan telling Tracy that the Bishop is on his way back from South America now the heat is off. Where she gets her information from is a mystery to me. She must go round the village putting a glass to every wall.
Alan: But if he is coming back, there is no point in me trying to get his job.
Shula: You are such a defeatist. This is the time to strike and remind everyone that he deserted his post. Radio Borchester is coming to interview you tomorrow and the Echo wants to do a double feature on you and Usha. Tell her to smile for the camera - she needs plenty of warning to crack her face.
Alan: I won’t tell her you said but what do I say to the journalists ?
Shula: Tell them that you will never desert your post, your wife will never get arrested and all the usual guff about peace and love. You will also remind them of your run-in with the police to establish your street cred.
Alan: Is that all ?
Shula: No, say there will be tea and refreshments at St Stephen’s next Sunday for all comers.
Alan: That’s a bit risky, we don’t know how many will turn up and what will we do about food ?
Shula: Don’t worry about that, it will be like the parable of feeding the 5,000.
Alan: Where will we get the loaves and fishes from ?
Shula: We won’t. Mum is going to supply lemon drizzle cake - you’ll be a shoo-in !
🎼. Dum ti dum ti dum ti dum...
(Ed. I feel a new series coming on - The Reluctant Bishop and the Vicar from Hell.)
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