Episode 127

🎼. Dum ti dum ti dum ti dum...

(telephone rings)

Alistair :  Hello, Ambridge Veterinary Practise, Alistair speaking.

 Jakob:  (whispering) It’s me, Jakob.

Alistair:  Where are you and why are you whispering ? We need to make arrangements for our trip to Florida to find some rich old women.

Jakob:  I can’t come into the practise -  Kate’s handcuffed me to the bed.

Alistair:  What you and Kate do in the bedroom is of no interest to me whatsoever but we do need to discuss our plans.

Jakob:  You don’t understand, she’s taken the key and locked the door too.

Alistair:  Where did Kate get handcuffs from ?

Jakob:  She says they were a Christmas present from Roy Tucker, years ago.

Alistair:  So that’s the secret of his success.  Half the women in Ambridge must have them.

Jakob:  I’m sorry, Alistair, but she knows all about our plan to leave Ambridge.

Alistair:  How can she possibly know that ?

Jakob:  Last night she asked me where I saw my future.  You know I cannot tell a lie so when I told her I hoped to be with a rich old lady whose pussy needs attention she pulled the handcuffs out of the bedside table.

Alistair:  Look, I’ll come round now with some wire cutters and I’ll get you out of there.  Hang on, there’s someone at the door...

(sound of door crashing open)

Alistair:  Kate !  I didn’t know you had a shotgun.

Kate:  I don’t, but I know where Dad keeps the key to the gun cabinet.

Alistair:  Would you mind not pointing it at me ?

Kate:  I’ll point it at you for as long as I have to.  You’re the second person who’s tried to take Jakob away from me recently and it’s seriously affecting my karma.

Alistair :  You don’t think it’s a little bit over the top ?

Kate:  Not at all.  I want the word to get round that this is what happens when someone tries to steal my man.

Alistair:  Okay, okay, I promise not to pursue this any further with Jakob but on one condition.

Kate:  What’s that ?

Alistair:  Take the gun round to the stables and tell Shula to leave me alone.

🎼. Dum ti dum ti dum ti dum...

(Ed.  Beat that, Eastenders.)



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